21) Skinny Secrets

The wisdom tooth diet.


Step 1
Eat loads of sweets and chocolate over a few days. (It helps if your boyfriend is a feeder and constantly buys you brownies and other treats even tho he knows you are trying to be healthy). Work hard, get the flu and get stressed easily until you are feeling very run down. Eat more sweets and chocolate to make yourself feel better. Keep eating until you feel yourself getting a toothache.


Step 2
Assume the toothache will go away by itself in a few days. Continue to ignore it even when it gets worse. Eat some more chocolate. Wait until the dentist is closed for the weekend before realising that the toothache is actually quite serious. Let it get to the point where your jaw is swollen shut and you can no longer eat solid foods. You will look similar to a squirrel hiding nuts in his face. Look at your squirrel face and decide to drink some wine.


Step 3
At this stage you should no longer be able to sleep with the pain. Watch Greys Anatomy at 4am while weeping quietly so as not to wake Gerry. Stay awake in absolute agony until the dentist opens on Monday morning. Make an emergency appointment and after being in the dentists office for seven minutes then proceed to pay them more than your weekly food budget in fees. At this stage you won’t have been able to eat solid foods for about 2 days and should be feeling horrific and looking fantastic!


Step 4
Go to the pharmacy and spend the rest of your hard earned money on painkillers and antibiotics. Ensure that the dentist prescribes antibiotics that make you unbelievably queasy and painkillers that make you dizzy and zombie-like. At this stage you can no longer afford any food even if you were able to eat it.


Step 5
Take vomit-inducing antibiotics and zombifying painkillers at the same time. Ask Gerry to make you some soup, have a spoonful of soup. Cry a little. Have another spoonful, then cry a little more. Go all out and have some yogurt for dinner, your face should be so swollen by now that you can barely manage a spoonful. Some more weeping is appropriate at this point. Attempt to sleep.


Step 6
Wake up in the morning feeling horrific yet skinny. Take more antibiotics. Immediately commence crying/needing to vomit. Try licking some yogurt off a spoon. Get angry and curse the antibiotics and yogurt. Walk past the mirror and notice how skinny you look. Smile. Immediately start crying from the pain caused by smiling. 


Continue steps 5 and 6 for 1 week.
Slowly but surely lose your mind.



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