Yesterday morning the residents of Queenstown opened the curtains to discover the town covered in a blanket of snow, snowboarders and skiers delighted, tourists made snowmen and kids threw snowballs.
However for those of us who live in an apartment built for summer with no double glazing on the windows or insulation in the walls, the sight of the snow filled us with dread…an icy icy dread.
To make the frostbite inducing situation even better, our heater decided it had had enough and it finally gave up. You can now see your own breath when you breathe in our apartment.
We tried to be positive, we tried to continue with normal life as usual, (if normal life consisted of walking around the house in 4 layers of clothing) but today it got to be too much. Today I attempted to type on my iPad while wearing gloves. It did not go well. I actually ended up using my nose until even that got too cold for the iPad to register it as human skin. I may have had a slight psychotic breakdown out of frustration…..I’m pretty sure I even heard my guinea pig giggle at me.
The following is my advice for surviving winter when you live in an apartment colder than an igloo:
– Invite people over to visit in an attempt to steal their body heat.
– When relaxing on the couch, place a guinea pig on ur upper chest/ neck, they are little furry balls of warmth and will keep you warmer than a scarf. This is true of most small pets however if you do choose a guinea pig for this then be prepared to take them for a toilet break approximately every 7 minutes. Also do not fall asleep as they will eat all of your hair…
– Make tea. Constantly. Always have the kettle ready to go. This will help your fingers to change from that blue colour back to a nice rosy pink like a normal human rather than the walking icicle that you have become.
– Do jumping jacks in front of the kettle to keep warm while you are waiting for it to boil. Ensure that you are not wearing slippery socks as you will end up accidentally doing the splits on the kitchen floor and needing to ice your crotch, this is counter productive to keeping warm.
– Buy a hot water bottle and keep it with you at all times. As the winter weather advances and all hope dies of ever being warm again, purchase more hot water bottles and surround yourself with them. When carrying them from room to room with you, at least one hot water bottle can be shoved up your top/down your pants for easier transport. Disclaimer: be aware that you will look ridiculous and your partner may no longer be attracted to you, even though they are doing the exact same thing.
– Go to the shop and purchase a duvet specifically for winter. Ensure the shop assistant that you do not care if it is made from the souls of baby ducks as long as it keeps you warm.
– Forget dieting. It is far too cold to be skinny during the winter. Order a pizza. Shivering is enough exercise for you these days.
– When you have tried everything but to no avail, consider that it may be time to go into hibernation. Make sure that you have enough chocolate and wine and set up camp under your new baby duck soul duvet. Stay here until winter has passed.
– During the summer it’s so nice to sit by the window and relax and read a book. In winter this can be done beside the preheated oven.
– Conserve your energy. When you have found a warm spot do not move. If you need to communicate with your partner in the other room then do so by text or email. Also it is important to act as a team in order to survive the winter, if you do manage to locate a warm spot big enough for two then let them know.
– MOVE TO A WARMER APARTMENT!
And yes, she will fight you for it…