23) Confessions of a Chocoholic

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Me: Hi, I’m Sarah and I’m a chocoholic.
Brain: Hi Sarah.
Me: I am ready to admit I have a problem. I eat chocolate constantly, morning noon and night. I crave it, I fantasise about it, I need it.
Brain: I see. And how do u feel about melted chocolate?
Me: Oh I love it…
Brain: Um hmm and how about chocolate brownies?
Me: Big fan.
Brain: Ok. What are ur feelings on chocolate ice cream?
Me: *Drooling*
Brain: All this talk is making me hungry, how about we go out for ice cream?
Me: Yes please!
Ass: For the love of god please stop!

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Today, my toothache is back. I had a good long talk with myself about the amount of sweets and chocolate I eat which is clearly not helping the situation. I got so stressed about the thought of not eating chocolate anymore that I ate a whole bar just to calm down.

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My new trick to try and cut down my chocolate intake is to always keep it in a different room than the one I am in and I’m only allowed to go and get one piece at a time. I’ve just walked from the kitchen to the bedroom 27 times. Who needs the gym. I’m a fricken genius.

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Chocolate justifications:

Hot chocolate:
I’m cold and it’s full of milk which has protein so it’s like chicken in a glass. Yummy chicken. That tastes like chocolate…and sugar…..mmmmm so warm and toasty and chocolatey……guilt melting away….

Ice cream:
Ur body burns calories by heating itself up after having something cold. Therefore ice cream = workout.

Dark chocolate:
No need for justification, dark chocolate is practically a vegetable.

Fruit and nut dairy milk bar:
FRUIT and NUT, enough said.

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It’s now 5.30am. I’m lying awake because my brain is being an asshole and is waiting for my alarm to go off to feel sleepy. I am making a resolution to be really healthy all day, no chocolate for me! I can do this!

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6.30am
Screw it, I can’t sleep, I might as well just get up and have breakfast.
In the kitchen:

Chocolate: Morning sweetie.
Me: Chocolate! Wat are you doing sitting there on the counter top? Why aren’t you away in the cupboard?
Chocolate: I was waiting for you to get up, I missed you all night.
Me: Well I missed you too but I’m sorry, I can’t see you today, my tooth is really sore.
Chocolate: Aw babes, come here, let me take a look at it…
Me: Ok it’s…WAIT NO! I know your plan! No chocolate I’m sorry but….it’s over.
Chocolate: HAHAHAHAHAHA it’s not over! It will never be over! You can’t leave me, u love me! I’m the one that’s always been here for you! 
Me: I know you have but I just can’t do it anymore, I have to think about my teeth and my health and for the love of god have you seen what you’ve done to my ass?
Chocolate: YOU’LL BE BACK! YOU ALWAYS COME BACK!
Gerry: Sarah? Who are you talking to?

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3pm
This madness has gone on long enough!!
Take me back chocolate!!

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