I mentioned my new zombie phone running app briefly in my last blog after I tried it for the first time. It didn’t exactly work out as planned so I decided to give it another try over the weekend, the following is my review!
This is what the app is advertised as:
“Zombies, Run! works anywhere and at any speed. We immerse you in an action packed game and story mixed with your own music, whether you’re jogging in a park, running along a trail, walking to work, or even running on treadmills.
And if you want a serious workout, turn on thrilling zombie chases that force you to speed up to escape the hordes!”
Sounds fun and easy I thought!
Zombies, run! Attempt number one.
Being the naive idiot that I am I decided that since it was such a nice day out that I would climb up Queenstown hill and try out my new zombie app at the same time.
Now normal people think things through, I have come to the conclusion that I am therefore not a normal person. I’ll hear about something and I’ll immediately think “that sounds good, I’ll try that” regardless of the fact that it is clearly not doable. (The first 4 blogs and that ridiculous squat challenge in one week that left me without the use of my legs for a few days is a perfect example). Anyway I get an idea into my head and I run with it. I’m kinda like a monkey that way.
So my latest monkey thought was to climb this hill while being chased by zombies. Annoyingly the thing about Queenstown hill is that the hardest part is actually getting from my house to the start of the trail. It’s a serious uphill walk that has ur legs burning in the first 2 minutes, the path is so steep that there are steps on it.
So I’m walking up this hill, already a bit out of breath, listening to the story that’s being played in my ears through the headphones about how my helicopter is going down and I’m in a nest of zombies when all of a sudden I find myself at the base of the steepest set of steps, alone, surrounded by trees and suddenly the zombie noises start playing in my ears and the radio controller guy is screaming at me to run, and I know it’s only an app but it honestly does get into ur head, and it’s creepy, and u really do want to run from the zombies! So I run. I run up the steps with my legs burning and I’m constantly looking around because of all places for there to be a surprise zombie attack this place would actually be ideal.
My lungs felt like they had grown tiny fingers, fingers with sharp little nails and they were pulling themselves up through my throat cavity in an attempt to escape through my mouth. Ironically my lungs seemed to be making better progress at escaping from the zombies than my legs were. By the time I made it to the top of the set of steps I was bent over hyperventilating, the taste of blood in my mouth, trying to decide whether to vomit or collapse. And yet the zombies in my ears continued to come for me! Can’t you see I have been defeated! You have won zombies, now leave me alone to die!
Needless to say that was the end of attempt number one…
Zombies, Run! Attempt number two.
A week had passed. I had forgotten the terror. Once again the idea popped into my head that if I used the app on a flatter trail that it would be fine. I chose the Frankton track, a 10km run while being chased by zombies, what better to do on a Saturday!
The weather forecast had predicted good weather but the wind was really strong that day and as the Frankton track is alongside the water it was quite a cold stormy place to be. The water was wild and the place was unusually deserted for a saturday afternoon. I popped in my earphones, left the road and started jogging along the trail under the trees.
In fairness to the app this time it actually worked, I had been running for 4km when I realised I was almost at the end of the track before I had to turn and head back towards home and I wasn’t even bored of running yet. The app is a bit of a game and the radio guy sends u to collect medicine and food and stuff like that along the way. I made it to the end of the track and turned to run the 5km back home. I was feeling tired but quite happy with myself, if there is ever a zombie apocalypse I’ll be just fine I was thinking to myself. What was so scary about this the first time? I’m way faster than these zombie suckers, I’m a fricken gazelle!
The radio controller starts talking to me again and apparently I am approaching a hospital where the last runner was brutally killed by a bunch of zombies but I have to go and collect a medicine pack there. So I’m virtually running through this hospital and I’m thinking these zombies don’t stand a chance, I’m gonna collect that medicine and win this challenge, and I’m getting quite cocky and then he tells me that suddenly I’m surrounded, that the zombies are swarming into the hospital, and apparently I’ve dropped a medicine pack RUN RUN RUN I’ve dropped another one RUN FASTER and the zombie noises are so loud in my ears at this stage and I’m getting so into this game that I completely forget where I am and all I want to do is run as fast as I can and the wind is blowing my hair around into my face and the trees are looking extra loomy and dark and ominous and the rough water is splashing around beside the path and I am running as fast as physically possible so how the hell are these zombies still catching up to me.
How I think I look while I’m running:
How I actually look:
The game is really biting at my competitive side and I really don’t want to lose and be eaten by these zombies but I can’t actually run any faster and I’m getting tired but I really want to keep going, all these thoughts are going through my head and I can feel myself slowing and my legs are aching and I’m trying to catch my breath and I try to actually picture the zombies behind me in an effort to make myself run faster when suddenly I hear a noise that isn’t from my headphones and just as I turn my head to see if it’s a zombie a cyclist is right behind me on the track and I get such a fright that I start screaming my head off and almost punch the poor girl. She swerves away from the deranged psychopath that is running like someone possessed and cycles away for dear life.
In conclusion I think from now on I will stick to Map My Run. A smiley face appears at the end of the workout and says good job.
And no one gets hurt.
I think maybe that’s a better app for me……