Last year for Christmas Gerry surprised me with a fat little guinea pig. Regardless of our attempts to civilise her over the last year, here are the life lessons that she has done her best to teach us.
1) The Hoover is the devil himself, hide and growl and he will eventually go away.
2) The fridge door opening is the MOST EXCITING thing in the entire world. You must scream as loudly as possible every single time this happens so that the carrots in there hear you and come and jump into your house.
3) If ur humans yell at you, you can get back at them by peeing on the couch. Look them directly in the eye when you do this so they understand who is boss.
4) If you act adorable and pretend to cuddle with ur human for a few minutes she will not notice that you are eating her hair, it is so tasty, make sure to eat the bits on the side of her head so she only notices when she tries to tie her hair back. She will think she is losing her hair and going insane for a few months before she catches you, this is fantastic fun.
5) Always eat ur own poop, it’s very nutritious and it’s nice to clean up after yourself. Stare at ur human in the eye when eating it, it shows them that u are hardcore and the boss of the house.
6) Act like a complete asshole until ur human gives in and lets u down to run around the sitting room and get some exercise. The second u are down remember these simple steps:
– Pee. Everywhere. This is a game you can play with ur human, pee somewhere out in the open, such as the middle of the carpet, while staring at them to make sure they see u, they will immediately scream and start cleaning the carpet where u peed, the aim of the game is to try and finish the pee before they get to u.
– Eat. Everything. Everything is so tasty, the lining under the couch is a particular delicacy, do your best to rip this to pieces before your human realises what you are doing. Also, feel free to ignore their warnings, they clearly don’t realise how much fun this is. Don’t forget to check to see if they left their shoes lying around, YUMMY! These can also be used for the pee game, bonus points!
– Poop. It is very important to hide ur poo all over the living room so that you can discover it on ur next trip around the room and smell/eat it. Ur human is very selfish and will try to take all ur poo off the ground for themselves so make sure to hide it in good places such as under the couch and under the kitchen table. Since they want to take it so badly you can be generous and leave some in their shoes as a treat if they have been good.
– Hide. The best game to play with ur human is hide and seek. When it is time for bed and they come to get you, hide and be completely silent until they freak out and think u have escaped from the room. Wait until they run and check the rest of the apartment before moving and hiding somewhere they have already checked. An excellent hiding place that will have them almost hysterical with worry is to climb up into the lining of the couch. Pee and poop while you wait for them to find you. Also when they finally see ur fat ass hanging out the bottom of the couch bite their fingers as a reward for them finding u. They love that.
7) It is very important to have fun and to play with ur human, scream at them loudly to get their attention when you are in your house until they stop what they are doing and come over to pick you up. Immediately change your mind and run from them in terror.
8) Ur human can be very selfish and will not always want to share their stuff with u, (even though you leave poo for them every chance you get). This is understandable as their stuff is very tasty, ignore all warnings and eat everything you see every chance you get. The best things to eat are: iPad covers, all clothes, books, tissue paper, the couch, power cords and especially important documents. The more important they are, the tastier they are.
9) Above all it is important to make ur human understand that it is your house now. They are simply ur servants. Stare at them constantly to make sure they are behaving. Watch them smugly as they clean out ur living quarters. Take a nap on them so that they feel guilty about moving when they are clearly in the middle of something. It is important to train ur human in at an early stage so that they learn to behave quickly.
Happy pooping and peeing piggies 🙂