Today I am very hungover so this blog is being written from underneath a blanket on my couch where I have set up camp for the next few hours.
There are 5 main types of hangover (that I can think of right now).
1) The What The Hell Happened Hangover.
This is a gaping black hole in your memory which is quickly filled by the fear. As the day progresses and the flashbacks start u get more and more paranoid, u send some friendly texts to test the waters and see who will reply to make sure no one is angry at u, the social contact begins to ease the fear until someone takes longer than 1 minute to reply and u finally break down and cry and assume all of your friends hate you. Paranoia is your constant companion as you wonder to yourself WHY IS THAT TEDDY BEAR STARING AT ME. Common activities include checking your phone for any photo evidence to jog your memory, checking to see that you are wearing underwear, searching frantically for your handbag to make sure you actually brought it home, checking ur online bank balance, and rereading embarrassing drunk texts and dying a little inside.
2) The Hello Stomach Contents Hangover.
This includes projectile puking, normal puking and dry wretching to within an inch of your life. This can start while you are still drunk and continue on into the hangover, or you can wake up in the morning with your stomach contents suddenly very excited to see you again. Popular spots to sit during this time include the cliche Head in Toilet, curled up on the bathroom floor holding onto the toilet bowl for dear life, and hanging over the side of the bed aiming for the conveniently placed bin/large pot. You are usually a lovely shade of pale green while this is happening. Exclamations and promises to ‘Never Drink Again’ can usually be heard from the hungover individual as they weep into the toilet bowl.
3) The Light! My Eyes! Vampire Hangover
This type of hangover occurs when the whole world conspires against you. Very loud roadworks appear around every corner and make your head ache, the sun aims it’s bright rays directly at your corneas, blinding and disorientating you. Cars beep their horns when they know you are near, dogs bark, birds scream abuse at u. Inanimate objects come to life and work together to inconvenience you at every turn, your keys decide to play hide and seek, your hairbrush makes more knots in your hair than before you started brushing it, one sock refuses to be found, power cords slither across your path, and don’t even get me started on your shoe laces those cheeky bastards. The best cure for this type of hangover is to remain in bed in the fetal position.
4) The Sneaky Hangover.
This hangover is like feeding bread to a group of angry swans. At first everything is fine, you’re throwing the bread, theyr happily eating it. Then all of a sudden you run out of bread and the pretty swans turn into an angry swan mob with scary long necks and tiny weird teeth and big strong wings and those bastards can run fast. Anyway….this hangover creeps up on you, you wake up feeling fresh and fantastic and you think to yourself “wow I feel so good I think I’m going to get straight up and go to the gym”, next thing you know the sneaky hangover kicks in and you’re vomiting on the treadmill.
5) The Feed Me Hangover.
This is when you wake up with an insatiable hunger and no matter how much you eat u are never full. The very walls of the house are not safe from your munching jaws. You have toast, then cereal, then bacon, then you move immediately onto lunch where a double cheese burger is only the starter. The contents of the fridge are now the contents of your stomach and yet you still want more. Your mind is consumed with fantasies about food, your mouth watering at the thought of baked potatoes, salmon fillets, a huge steak. You decide to cook yourself a feast but end up eating all the ingredients individually instead.
This type of hangover may unfortunately precede the Sneaky Hangover, or induce the Hello Stomach Contents Hangover.
We had our staff party last night and I had to work at 8.30am today. On waking up this morning to my alarm screeching at me like a banshee I was immediately greeted by hangover number 3. Upon raising my head from the pillow the first thing I saw through blurry hungover eyes was that a large chunk of my fringe was sticking straight up in the air. That is never a good start to the day.
After being shrieked at 3 more times by the alarm clock I managed to drag myself out of bed. Hangover number 1 joined me aswell as I attempted to straighten the birds nest that was my hair. My hairbrush hid from me when I needed it the most and I was almost in tears.
As time always does when it is work time, it slowed down and seconds ticked along like minutes, hours passing like days. The coffee machine screamed at me, the milk would not swirl properly, cutlery clinked off each other like the devil himself playing the triangle. Inanimate objects around the restaurant stared at me, the salt and pepper shakers giving me the googily eyes.
The large metal fish wall hanging watched me as I cleaned the tables.
Now I am finally at home, on the couch, curled up under a blanket with a bag of crisps writing this, downing water like it is oxygen. Luckily for me tonight is Halloween so in a few hours I get to start drinking all over again. I have a feeling tomorrow’s hangover is going to be number 2….. 😦