I’m going to go ahead and admit that sometimes I can be a teensy tiny bit paranoid. Like when I’m walking home alone at night and someone is walking behind me, I just assume they are planning on murdering me, so I phone Gerry and run all the way home. Which is pretty normal….right? Anyway I am especially paranoid when I’m showering because I can’t hear what’s happening around me. I don’t mind when there is someone else home but if I’m showering when I’m alone in the house I always lock the bathroom door.
I had just gotten into the shower before work yesterday when Gerry came in to say he was going fishing. “Oh crap” I thought to myself “I’m home alone in the shower with the door unlocked, it’s only a matter of time before someone walks in here and kills me.” Obviously just getting out of the shower and locking the door was not an option as it is freezing in our bathroom so I just had to accept my fate.
I try to ignore my impending doom and just enjoy my shower. As it does for everyone, the shower transforms me into Rihanna and I’m screeching out a duet with her through the radio when the inevitable happens and I hear a noise. I freeze. There it is again. Did Gerry remember to lock the front door? Have they climbed through the bedroom window? I turn off the shower to be able to hear better. Silence. Did I imagine the noise? I must have imagined it. I turn the shower back on. OHMYGOD THATS COLD. I decide it was just paranoia and in no time I’m Rihanna again Shining Bright Like A Diamondddddddddddd In The Sk…………ok that was definitely not my imagination! I’m freaking out, I can hear someone in the apartment. All possible scenarios run through my head.
Maybe it’s a robber here to steal my new camera, dammit I haven’t saved all the pics yet! Maybe it’s a hungry bear escaped from a travelling circus looking for some Irish meat to knaw on. What if it’s Jack Nickelson from The Shining and there’s going to be an axe through this door any minute?? Please don’t let it be the little girl from The Ring. What are the chances it’s Channing Tatum? Please let it be Channing Tatum please let it be Channing Tatum please let it be Channing Tatum.
I turn the shower off and listen. The noises continue. I can feel adrenaline being pumped around my body. Dammit I’ll have to fight the intruder naked! I could make a run for the door but where the hell am I meant to run while I’m naked? To the neighbours house? Which neighbour? The creepy man that lives on one side, that never looks me in the eye or the so-stoned-out-of-his-mind-all-the-time-upstairs-neighbour that thinks that my guinea pig is my actual child? But I don’t want to run around outside naked!
Maybe I could make a run for the back door, but then I would have to run on the grass…(I have a thing about having my bare feet on grass, when I was a kid I stood on a worm in the grass and my toes have been traumatised by the squishing feeling ever since). I looked around the bathroom, I brought clean socks for after my shower, I could put my socks on and then run through the grass! That would probably look even weirder tho, turning up at the neighbours back door naked except for black socks…
No the naked scenarios are far too embarrassing, I’ll have to stay and fight! Luckily for me my Irish skin will come in handy for once, the intruder probably won’t even notice I’m naked thanks to this horrific sunburn in the shape of my clothes! He’ll probably take one look, assume I’m a leper and run for his life. Actually I hope it’s not Channing Tatum….damn sunburn…
Ah what is that noise? Oh god what if it’s a cat that has smelled my fat-and-therefore-probably-very-tasty guinea pig and has climbed in the window for a feast! IM COMING PARSLEY! AND FUCK IT IM WEARING THE SOCKS!
Note to self: leaving the bedroom window open makes the bedroom door move and creak……FML