67) The Snake in the Lake

Yesterday I woke up to find anxiety gnawing on my brain and sitting on my chest. My breathing was shallow as it tried to push past the tense pressure on my lungs, the crushing weight of a threatened panic attack. Stay still, anxiety whispered, make yourself small. Its voice like a snakes hiss in the…

66) The Year of No

A few years ago I got a book on audible, it was The Year of Yes by Shonda Rimes and it was fabulous. I remember listening to it as I was out running by the lake one day, I listened as Shonda narrated about how she was stuck in a rut and needed to sort…

65) Moose sighting

As the car pulled away from the accommodation the tears were already stinging my eyes. I took a wrong turn 3 times in a row and ended up pulling over to take a deep breath. My brain was racing, road directions mingled with memories and huge red warning sirens went off in my head screaming…

62) Ghosts and Gold

I lay in the darkness, suddenly fully awake, my eyes wide and staring into nothingness, my heart thumping like a rabbits that had just been chased by…well by my dog. I knew it wasn’t a sound that had woken me. Old ghosts had shaken me awake, whisps of memories pulled me from my slumber. My…

61) Lockdown Diaries Week 1

Week one was about adjusting. It was filled with hot coffee as we watched the sunrise, novelty picnic dinners in the garden and cozy fires in the evening. We settled in, we got used to our new way of life. The fear faded almost instantly after lockdown was announced. Life went from millions of confusing…

60) Tapping out

Anxiety. How can one word have such huge crushing effects on me. It slit open my stomach and slipped inside one day in late January. It stretched out lazily like a cat, its claws reaching up towards my throat but from the inside, making me feel simultaneously sick and full and uncomfortable. Its back feet…

59) Strip it back

Imagine one day you were forced to strip your life back, right back to the basics. You were allowed nothing but food and shelter. No tv, no music, no sounds, no books, no conversation, no distractions, no friends, no exercise. Nothing. Food and shelter only. Slowly you were allowed to add things back in. A…

57) Hedgehogs and Home

The fire is making it hard to write this, it’s crackling softly and lulling me into complete relaxation. Through half closed eyes I want to record this though, the next bit, the part that comes after the awful worry and the stress. This feeling. This seemed like such a far away, almost impossible, goal just…

54) Everything Nothing Something

Please don’t ask me what I’m worried about. It’s everything, nothing and something. I’m not writing this for the people who have anxiety, the people who know this tight feeling in their own chest, who’s breathe matches mine today. I’m writing this for those that can breathe easily and who want to know what we’re…

53) A Lesson in Regrets

I can’t remember which medical professional made the comment. That’s a common theme lately, not remembering. I seem to have hit my head in the place where the short term memory receptors live. Anyway, it doesn’t matter who said it, the comment itself was what made me think. “I bet you regret that.” For those…